Jillian*Marie

I'm sitting in my bed once again...contemplating whether or not i should go to bed because i have to be at work at 11am. Nah.

More thoughts come into my mind tonight. Lots of people have been revolving around loved ones. Boyfriends, in particular. Hmmm. That subject to me is very sore. Lemme tell you what ive been pondering.

I've come to the ultimate conclusion that i should be single. No matter who i'm with...im never satisfied. Its not my fault. Neither is it the guy i'm with. The guy is never at fault. The kid could be totally perfect, but i find a way to think of him as less than what i would imagine to be "Mr. Wonderful." I doom myself. Many people say that they would give anything for how my past boyfriends treated me. I dont see this quality for some reason, its sick that people around me do. That may not even be the reason. Ive never been in a (physically) abusive relationship, so im fortunate in that respect. I just wish that the person that i may be with at the moment was just a little more like "this" or a little more like "that."

Another thing i just realized is i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the element of surprise. I love mysteriosity (i think i just made that up). I'm a curious being. I love the "chase." Or rather, being chased. Its fun, exciting. Nothings fun about dating someone for 2 years and you sit and watch re-runs at home everytime you see them and you can burp and/or fart infront of them and have snot dripping from their nose and theyll think its fine. I always thought i wanted to be that comfortable. No. At some point, you must draw the line. Am I right? I went on a "date" recently and it was a total bomb. Now to my point, i was nervous in front of him. How cool is that? "Do i have food on my face?" "Does he think i talk to much?" "Does he think i'm cute?" All these things are erroneous to a long-term relationship...and in my opinion, should (maybe in a less stressed manner) still be occurring. Its fun to date. Fun to have good dates and wonder if someone likes you. Fun to meet new people. Fun to have bad dates and tell all your friends ;) sorry guys, it happens. Nothing beats being single. I love it, but I also love being in a relationship. But i have yet to find such a "chill" relationship. No obsessive, calling every two seconds. saying "i love you, i love you" on the second date. thats bullshit no matter how you cut it. c'mon now. I want something real. I'm not clingy, i'm real. I'll tell you straight up, i dont care. Its fun. I love to have fun, and just throw that drama out the damn window...and everyone else should too. Stop hangin on your guy every two seconds and maybe he'll wanna spend time with you. Leave him alone. Make him miss you. Then he'll wanna spend time with you.

I want someone to miss me. I'm not going to lie when i say being single sometimes gets lonely. I like the fact of being in a relationship that you always have someone there by your side. Its nice to have someone to talk to about your day, and someone that you know will (almost) always hang out. Partying has its ups but also its downs. I love going out with friends, nothing beats it. I love just careless dancing at clubs with random people and my girlfriends...so much fun. How about after that? A cab drives you home. You stumble to your bed in a drunken stupor. You wake up and realize theres no one there but you. All those empty promises of guys who said theyd call you. Flipping up their cell phones and fake dialing your number into it. Ive heard it all.

Also, whats with this? I know everyone can relate to this one:
A) You like a guy, he only likes you as a friend/fuck buddy.
B) A guy likes you, you only like him as a friend/fuck buddy.

Why cant that guy in A, just like you? And why is the guy in B always nerdy or clingy? God lets hope theres a "A.5" out there somewhere...
So what can i possibly make of all of this?

My sitch: What happens when you actually have a choice to be single or attached?

*sigh*
:-\

Today i was done with my shift at work and i was sweeping the carpet and i started connecting words in my head. Compiled with some sort of bizarre rhythm they could be known as a poem.


Have you ever had a friend that you thought had a crush on you? and you secretly had a crush on them too? However, the whole duration of your relationship, you both keep it a secret to save the friendship? I have.


Did you look at me,
Like I looked at you?
With those deep eyes.
Those eyes which got me here,
This whole time has been a lie.

Laughing it off,
No big deal.
You could never feel that way.
You're no more than a friend,
Wish that could all change someday.

Moments flow into memory,
Glancing at my lips.
I swear that kiss was real.
Dreaming again as always,
I could never tell you how I really feel.

Do you ever think,
of how it could have been?
If you had me.
Will I ever see you again,
Would I have the guts to make you see?

My mind wanders,
Could "we" have been "us" ?
Did those feelings haunt you too?
Did you look at me,
Like I looked at you?

I know its sappy and childish because it rhymes ;) but i like it.

I'm sitting here on my bed, and I was staring at old high school photos. This made me think of a "boy" i used to be friends with. We still occasionally email each other, and everytime i see that email address...butterflies. Haha. I know, totally stupid. We've both moved on from the situation. I never did tell him what i felt, because i thought it would make things weird between us. And ultimately might mess up my chance to one-day be with him. Never happened. A love story cut short. I'll always have something in my heart for him, a lil piece ;) He was my very first crush. From 4th to 10th grade...until he got a girlfriend that tore us apart. Theyre still together and she forbids him to talk to me...haha she OBVIOUSLY thinks i'm a threat. This makes me smile. But she'll always have the upper-hand, she won. She got him. No idea how. This girl treats him like shit. Doesn't it suck when you know you could treat someone soooo much better...but you cant do anything about it? I'm not the kind of person that goes around and breaks people up...not even under the circumstances i was in. My will-power amazes me as well. I believe they are still together, I hope theyre happy. *ahhem* I hope HE is happy. I KNOW she is, she has him. Anyways...I never did tell him. We were so odd. I knew he liked me, he always hinted. But I'm not the type of girl to go chasing guys...so i waited. Its was like a game...except it was never fun for me, because I got no definite answers. It was always a subject that hovered over us. Other people noticed it which was amusing. But that is either here nor there...wow blast from the past. How bout the future??

I got my grades in today. Surprisingly, I did well. Not particularly the religion grade of a B. That bitch knows I got an A...grrrr. Anywho, not so upset with my performance but I still need to do wayyyyy better :-\

Today is full of "feelings"...I dont know I feel totally emotional. I miss high school in a way. It was easy. I floated through it, thinking i wanted to get to college as fast as i can. I should have been careful what i wished for. Now my little brother is a senior in high school...god, i feel old.



Feeling ancient...
G*nite

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe. </td> agnosticism 100% Satanism 88% Buddhism 79% Paganism 79% atheism 50% Hinduism 42% Christianity 33% Islam 29% Judaism 25% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

guess theyre right...;)

ok damnit i'm obsessed...i'm typing and i cant stop...ok i'm going to bed

Jill, you're a Millionaire!

You're very ambitious and personable, and you've got a great sense of humor. You care a lot about how you look. You're bursting with self-confidence, and people admire you for your achievements and determination.

Behind that bold exterior you sometimes worry that you're not good enough. You can also be so critical of your work that it verges on self-destructive. You aim to succeed — and you'll quickly crush anyone who stands in your way.

And that's just scratching the surface!




***not completely off***
:)

In the solitude of my room, i try to cough as silently as possible. Not working. Ive been sick almost everyday of my entire winter break...but hey, who's counting? Im Jillian, by the way. Im a sophomore at Niagara University, studying pre-med biology and chemistry...pretty impressive? Nah. Stressful? You betcha. Did I want to kill myself over counting 1500 individual fruit flies last semester for a professor that i hated? Oh yea. But its what i love to do. Its fascinating the world of science. It certainly isnt my forte, but i have enough drive and optimism for an attempt ;) My love for animals, as my username hints, is because of, yes, my natural love for them, and me wanting to be veterinarian. Ever since i could remember i wanted to know how animals "worked." Yes, i was a strange child. Even though science isnt, Art however, is my niche. Im very good at it, but it depends on your perspective, i guess. I could have gone to college for that, but noooooo. I had to "go big," or forever regret that i never tried to be a doctor. Well whoever encouraged me to do that was awesome. Im only a sophomore and i've seen and done a ton of cool stuff and met a lot of interesting people, including my best friend, Julie.

Right now i'm writing on my laptop that i got for christmas :-D whoddathunkit? I cried when i got it. You obviously werent there when i screamed obscenities at our computer because my brother has an equally obscene porn addiction. To which he endowed pop-ups without being online and random restarts to our computer. Wouldnt you be mad if you had just written 23 and 3/4 pages of a final paper due at the end of the week, and it all was erased? My fit, however mildly amusing, was indeed reason enough to get me a laptop. Good enough for me.

Today I had to go to driving school, boring, but fun. We had a *neat* instructor. I basically learned not to speed. End all. I didnt need a 4 hour course to tell me that...maybe i did?

I work at Bennigans as a waitress. See, this place probably blows so much ass, but i love it there. I love the people i work with/for *with some exceptions of course* and i make lotsa money. Which is KEY to a college student. And I'm psyched because I'm finally fully transitioned to waitress. They had me hostessing for half of my weekly shifts ;-\ not cool. They finally had some sense this week, and now i'm happy. Now if it could only get busy, and i could make some money...tips are amazing. Fast Money = Even Faster Spending.

God my grades from last semester should be coming in the mail soon. (sidenote: I could have checked my grades online, but i have yet to want to ruin my break) and there is that thing called tuition that i have to pay on the 13th...oh nooo...oh yea i'm not one of those girls that mommy and daddy pay for everything ;) yea i rock, i'm independent.

oh god the hacking of the lungs has to stop...on the positive side...nice abs from the stomach muscles contracting every six seconds :) see i'm an optimist...always...lets see how long that lasts when school starts ;)

G*nite